About 6 weeks ago
My dad called me one day and it must have been after he had a conversation with my mom. He was asking me what we have against our mom. I tried to explain a million different ways that she just left. He would tell me, “She left me, she didn’t leave you guys.” And yet it still feels like she left us, too.
I know a lot of this may seem repetitive, and I’m sure it is. The things I keep repeating are the things that run through my head over and over again. There the feelings that I keep having and just don’t seem to want to go away.
Back to the conversation I was having with my dad. I said, “I know she isn’t divorcing us, but how else do you explain her just leaving and not really communicating with any of us?” At first I reached out to her and asked if we were ever going to see her again. She said yes. When I saw her I told her that if she wanted to be a part my kid’s life that was fine, but I didn’t want her to come around make promises and then just gradually stop coming around. They’re kids, they don’t understand. How do I know they don’t understand? My real dad did that to us when we were little. I told her I didn’t want her to do the same thing to us or my kids. She said she would never do that, and yet she has.
The last time I saw her was Labor Day weekend when she stopped by for a two-minute visit on her way home from her friend’s house. She just got back from a mini-vacation to Nashville with her friend and only had a few minutes before she had to get home. She played with S for a few minutes, only said a few words to B and me then left. I wrote my initial post “Out of Something Bad, Comes Something Good,” after my birthday. I texted my mom so she could read it. You read the response in “The Saga Continues…” I didn’t hear anything until my dad called me to talk about my mom a week later.
Continuation of the phone conversation with my dad. He was asking me why I wouldn’t let my mom see the kids. I simply told him she hasn’t called or texted me other than one time. I texted her it would not be a good time because P was sleeping and S was getting ready for school. Other than that one text she had not made any contact with me.
After trying to explain to my dad a few different ways about why I felt like she left, I came up with the words that ended my last post. “What did I do to deserve this?” Really I didn’t have the answer and it kind of brought everything into perspective for both of us. After I hung up with my dad, B and I talked about it and that question really sums it all up.
I sat on it for a few hours. I thought about how my mom has been to their (my dad and her) house so many times in that past month and never once did she call or text me to stop by and see the kids. This is what I came up with:
- Everyone has their own truth.
- Everyone sees things the way they want.
- Everyone hears what they want to hear.
- Everyone does what they want.
Unfortunately, my mom’s way of seeing, hearing, and doing things does not coincide with what I see as the truth. Most of the time we were usually on the same page, in the same chapter, or at least reading the same book. Right now I don’t even think we’re in the same section of the library.
I can’t just give up that easy. It’s not in my nature. I want us to be a family again. No matter how much we all say it doesn’t matter she is not in our lives anymore, it’s not true. It hurts! Our mom has always been a constant in our lives. Sure she may be a little quirky, or different, or completely out there sometimes but she was always there. So I reached out and texted her six weeks ago. Here is how our conversation went:
Blue-Me texting
Green-My mom texting
Me
If you want to see the kids talk to me about it. You have only asked me once since the end of July. The best time is from 4-6pm. I would appreciate it if you didn’t bring it up with Dan. (if he talks about it that’s different) I would also like if you didn’t make him feel bad about doing stuff with us. He is being great to all of us and to be cut down by you is unnecessary. If you feel left out because you’re not included in our get togethers, remember you’re the one that made this decision for everyone. If you don’t understand this then maybe you should try to get together with all your kids and let them tell you how they feel. It’s going to take some thick skin.
My Mom
I have no idea why I made him feel bad about being with you guys. I’m glad he has the opportunity to share. I will agree to meet with anyone. I will agree to listen not interrupting with anyone who can agree to do the same-sit and listen.
Me
I think if you want a relationship you should make the effort to meet with everyone at once. Not us trying to arrange a time to meet with you. It feels like we have to make the effort but if you want any kind of relationship with us you should make the extra effort. By meeting with us all it saves us from repeating the same thing over and over. Yes emotions might get high and no some may not want to hear what you have to say but I think you need to understand where everyone is at and how they feel. Some may just want to say what they want and leave and should be given that opportunity. You got to say what you wanted when you left but none of us did. I don’t think texting it lets us know you really heard us but talking to you might.
My Mom
I never explained myself like I intended before….everyone was done with me. I don’t deserve to be stoned by you all and that’s all I believe you all want. Not 1 child reached out to me—everyone worried about themselves and theirs…better to dam me.
Me
I think you are only remembering what you want. Your initial text said don’t contact me I’ll contact you no opinion. Check your text. I texted you right away, and a few times in the next few days. I stopped caring how you were doing when I found out about XYZ. He can take care of you. I know you’re not getting it and only remembering things the way you want, but time has passed and now I think you need to start thinking about your kids.
If we need to yell at you/talk to you/listen to what you have to say for us to heal, then you should be willing to do that.
I don’t know that you really thought about this before you left but did you really consider what you may have to give up in doing so. Remember how it was when my dad left and you had to pick up all the pieces? That is what you did to Dan. This time instead of having small children who don’t understand you have adults who have their own thoughts and opinions and can’t be snowed over.
It’s going to take a lot to have relationships with your kids but you have to put in the effort and show you want it before we will even try.
My Mom
It can only happen if everything can be brought to the table. Unlike most of you I have held back for way to long trying to get along so I could see my grandkids. I can honestly say I did my very best at the times. It is not satisfactory/acceptable to any of you-I can’t change whatever shortcomings you all perceive.
I guess she doesn’t get what I was trying to say.
Since then I figured I made every effort to try to fix things. I guess at this point my mom is either not ready to face what she has done or just doesn’t care to mend fences. I really feel like if she would have made the effort to try to get together with her children and discuss things, no matter what happened, there could have been closure or peace of mind. Instead, I am left thinking she really doesn’t care, does she?
Some have said I need to forgive her for what she has done. I don’t know if it is necessarily forgiveness that is needed. There isn’t anything that needs to be forgiven. What’s done is done. There are wounds that need to heal. Right now I need a bandage and some Neosporin to help heal the wounds that were done. I will always carry the scars around with me, but they would be just that, scars. They have healed and are no longer bleeding. We all heal from events that have happened in our lives but the scars will always be there for us to remember. Just like the scar on your knee from falling off your bike as a child. It is just something to remember that time in your life. Does it still hurt? No, but it helps to remind you of the things you have been able to overcome.
At some point you have to find the positive. While I am not there yet, I do still have hope.
- I hope I can look back and realize how much stronger this has made me.
- I hope I can look back and realize how important my children are to me and to never repeat history.
- I hope I can look back and realize how much this whole event has strengthened my marriage.
- I hope I can look back and realize how my relationship with my dad has strengthened.
- I hope I can look back and realize how I continued to put one foot in front of the other and kept going.
If the only thing that comes from this chaos are these five things, then I guess I came out on top. I guess I am the lucky one and instead of seeing a half empty cup, I will see a half full cup. Only time will tell.
