The Saga Continues…..

The Saga Continues…..

It has been a while since I did my post “Out of Something Bad, Comes Something Good.”  I have to say I got a lot of positive feedback from my family.  My siblings said I said it all and they all felt the same as me.  I even got a few tears from some of them.  If you are wondering I have 4 siblings, but I think I have 5 at this point because my SIL (my brother’s wife) has been around for over 20 years.  To me I am just as close to her as I am to my sister’s and brother, maybe even closer.  Anyways back to the point.

My extended family of aunts and uncles all thought I had really spoken from the heart and were happy to see that we were finding the positive out of this situation.  Even a few of my cousins read it.  To me that is crazy.  I didn’t even know my cousins read this blog.  At least everyone understands how we all feel about this situation.

My dad on the other hand was sad after reading this.  He wasn’t hurt by it, just sad at how the entire situation has turned out.  He still deeply loves my mom and is hurt by the whole thing.  We went to a wedding a few weeks ago and I could see every moment was so hard for him.  How would you feel to be alone at a wedding seeing all of these couples and realize just 3 months ago that was you?  I can’t.  I have no idea what I would do if this ever happened to me and hopefully I will never have to find out.  We could see the sadness in his eyes (and the stray tear here and there), and did our best to try to comfort him.  I kept telling him, he was doing great and I knew how hard this was for him.  P must have known too, because she walked right over to him and let him hold her and snuggle for a while.  I guess she knew he needed it.

This hasn’t been easy for anyone, but I feel like my dad keeps getting the raw end of the deal.  As my mom takes her time moving her stuff out of the house, he has to constantly keep seeing her.  His wounds can’t even begin to heal.   How could they if every time there is a little progress they are ripped open again, sometimes worse?  My mom has a ton of stuff.  She will say she isn’t a hoarder but seriously when they moved from their house in Swanton (they lived there for 20 years) there was enough furniture and stuff to furnish three good size houses.  They lived in their current house for only 7 years and there is so much stuff.  She has taken quite a bit from the house and it looks like only a small dent has been made.

I went over to my dad’s last week to assess what was left and how we could help with getting her stuff out of the house so he could begin to move on.  There were bookshelves full of books.  All the books are gone except for a few.  What books are left on the shelves?  The picture books I made every Christmas for them since S was born.  What pictures were left on the wall and the side table?  The grandkids pictures.  Wow!  That really hurt.  What a slap in the face that was to me!  I am sad and happy about it all at the same time.

I am happy that my dad got to keep the picture books, but sad that my mom, my own mom didn’t take them.  How can that be that you don’t want pictures of your grandkids?  These grandkids who she wants to see so badly, yet can’t take the pictures of them?  That leads into my mom.

I texted my mom about the original post “Out of Something Bad, Comes Something Good” and asked her to read it.  I didn’t know what to expect from her but thought maybe it would help her to understand how I felt and how I was handling the situation.  This is the response I got back from her,

“Steph-If you meant it maybe you really do get it.  I never wanted to destroy our family but it wears a soul down to feel unwanted and a target.  Unfortunately, I am not wise enough to know you would all step up for each other – but evidently God does.  I don’t know His plan for me or any of us but I know I’m following it, I’ve certainly prayed on it enough.  I wish you nothing but love and happiness whether that includes me or not.  Xox”

My response to that text,

“It has nothing to do with God.  Maybe the craziness and drama has left our lives.  We are not doing anything different.  The only thing that has changed is you are no longer here.  Maybe instead of running away you should have realized that you need help that God can’t give you.  You should have faced them head on.  That would have been a great example for your kids and grandkids.  Now they know if you don’t like something just leave it and let someone else clean up after you.

I know you think that you didn’t do that, but at some point you have to be held accountable for what you did.  You have to make yourself happy no one else can, but if by making yourself happy you hurt those close to you then you really didn’t accomplish anything.”

I did the original post on a Sunday and these texts were done later that day.  After I sent her the final text I never heard back from her.  I have text her since then which is a whole other post I am working on.  I just can’t believe she didn’t get it.  My mom leaves and not even an “I’m sorry.”  Maybe that is asking too much.  An apology may be too much to ask.  But seriously shouldn’t she feel bad that she has caused so much hurt in all of her children’s lives.  If she is sorry, she sure isn’t showing it.

Where do we go from here?  Well the answer to that is put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  It’s the only thing we can do.  Is it easy?  No but, what else can you do?  It’s so strange to have a mom in your life from the time you were born until you are almost 35 and then poof she’s gone.  It’s not like she died.  She just left.  She is still out there.  Yet she chooses to not have any contact with her children and has basically severed all ties with us.

There are some out there who lost their mom unexpectedly and would do anything for one more day, hour, or minute with them.  Us our mom just left.  To know she is out there, still alive and well, and chooses to have nothing to do with us hurts so much more than if she had died.  If she died, it would have just been something that happened, not something she consciously chose to do.  Would her children be hurt and devastated if she died?  Absolutely, but at least we would be able to grieve and move on.  Because my mom just left and is still out there what process do we use to help us move on?  There really isn’t a process or a book to read and find the answers.

Nothing will ever be the same again.  It’s like our mom died, and yet she didn’t.   She is out there living her new life and we are still here standing in the shadows wondering what we did to deserve this.